To All The Men I've Tolerated Before: ADHD Diagnosing

100:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,120Hey, tolerators. This is Natalie. And before we get to the meat of the episode,200:00:05,120 --> 00:00:11,080I had some quick announcements for to all the men I've tolerated before. First,300:00:11,080 --> 00:00:16,800we have our fall merch available in our merchandise store. So make sure that you400:00:16,800 --> 00:00:23,480get yourself to the link in the show notes to check out our tarot inspired and spooky500:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,800inspired anti-massage and the merch.600:00:27,400 --> 00:00:33,160Our Patreon is currently running a seven day free trial on all tiers.700:00:33,160 --> 00:00:39,760So if you join the Patreon now, your first week is free and you could binge all800:00:39,760 --> 00:00:46,240of our bonus episodes where we get to have a deep dive into the friendship I have with900:00:46,240 --> 00:00:53,880some of our most beloved guests. We are also having a monthly newsletter and a1000:00:53,880 --> 00:01:01,360biweekly blog post and that information can also be found at the link in our show notes.1100:01:01,360 --> 00:01:06,840Please make sure to check out all of these changes and also follow us on Instagram at1200:01:06,840 --> 00:01:11,760men I've tolerated pod or TikTok at Natalie K124.1300:01:11,760 --> 00:01:18,120So you can see all of these changes happening in real time. Enjoy the episode.1400:01:18,120 --> 00:01:39,840[Music]1500:01:39,840 --> 00:01:44,640Hey, Tyler Readers. This is to all the men I've tolerated before with Natalie Patona.1600:01:44,640 --> 00:01:49,440You're weekly look at everyday misogyny. Today my guest is from the podcast.1700:01:49,440 --> 00:01:54,280The bar is ankle high, which if you have ever listened to me complain about a1800:01:54,280 --> 00:01:59,920romcom or Lucas Scott on one tree hill. I'm still comfy. You know this is one of my1900:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,160most headfast beliefs on the show.2000:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,960[Laughs]2100:02:04,960 --> 00:02:10,560Katie and her coos here are openly honest about life, love and everything that comes2200:02:10,560 --> 00:02:15,880with an ADHD diagnosis. Today we will be talking about how misogyny plays a role in2300:02:15,880 --> 00:02:20,080how women often go undiagnosed and untreated for ADHD.2400:02:20,080 --> 00:02:25,280Welcome and thank you so much for being here Katie. Thank you so much for having us.2500:02:25,280 --> 00:02:29,080I know that my co-host Gary would have loved to be here. She just couldn't make it today.2600:02:29,080 --> 00:02:35,280But yeah, no, we are the bar's ankle high. Actually started and was inspired that name.2700:02:35,280 --> 00:02:41,120Was inspired by a coworker I used to have and we were talking about dating go figure.2800:02:41,120 --> 00:02:46,000And she was dating a guy who all she wanted was that good morning tax, right?2900:02:46,000 --> 00:02:54,400And all this motherfucker would send her is like GM and would say shit like that.3000:02:54,400 --> 00:02:59,440And she was like she's just getting so irritated. And then she was like well I know he's doing3100:02:59,440 --> 00:03:06,160it now because I know it's pissing off. And he's like doing that cat and mouse bullshit.3200:03:06,160 --> 00:03:11,040She's like honestly like the bar is ankle high. I'm asking for a text message.3300:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,680The iPhone like pre-populates the words for you. Like this is just ridiculous. So it just3400:03:15,680 --> 00:03:20,440turned into this whole thing. And when I worked with her we had something with my co-workers3500:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,640called the Tinder committee because all of us were single and trying to date and so we3600:03:24,640 --> 00:03:31,600would like group thing for perspective date and see who was like worthy and not worthy.3700:03:31,600 --> 00:03:36,400And as of right now only one person from that committee is with somebody to met during3800:03:36,400 --> 00:03:43,800that round of dating. Good for them. The winner. I'm sure it was you you would have claimed3900:03:43,800 --> 00:03:49,040the crown like it's me. Oh I sure I would have actually had a crown.4000:03:49,040 --> 00:03:59,120So yeah we should always have a crown. Yeah on on on standby. It's like the I mean I'm4100:03:59,120 --> 00:04:03,480drinking champagne tonight but like that Coco Chanel quote like ooh always have champagne4200:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,720in the fridge because sometimes the special occasion is just that you have champagne in the4300:04:07,720 --> 00:04:14,520fridge. I simply I can't remember when we connected about your podcast name and my podcast4400:04:14,520 --> 00:04:20,840name. If I told you that like my tattoos always like the bars on the ground and it's starting4500:04:20,840 --> 00:04:26,520to slowly sink because that's how long it's been in the ground. I don't actually remember4600:04:26,520 --> 00:04:38,640typical but yeah it was something to that effect. Do we meet in Peru? Do you listen to and4700:04:38,640 --> 00:04:44,080that's why we drink? I do listen to and that's why we drink. Are you in the podcast group4800:04:44,080 --> 00:04:53,120for them? I'm in the podcast. Yes that might be how we went up. Yeah I'm up with everyone4900:04:53,120 --> 00:04:57,400through Instagram so I'm like I don't know I probably answered one of your stories as5000:04:57,400 --> 00:05:05,160a text message as you do when you're like this person probably wants my opinion. I mean5100:05:05,160 --> 00:05:09,440it's not unreasonable I'm pretty active on our Instagram but no I think it was actually5200:05:09,440 --> 00:05:15,640in the club podcast group that we linked up which tracks because actually the co-host of5300:05:15,640 --> 00:05:22,680that podcast is the reason that I thought I had a HD and their experience in seeking5400:05:22,680 --> 00:05:27,360a diagnosis and exploring that really kind of validated my own experience but I was like5500:05:27,360 --> 00:05:31,680a minute and then I had already worked with Garrett for a few years at that point but I5600:05:31,680 --> 00:05:37,320was talking with her about it and she was like oh yeah I got diagnosed a few years ago5700:05:37,320 --> 00:05:41,600so that I would like check in with her and be like hey what about this? She's like yeah5800:05:41,600 --> 00:05:47,360no that's that's the thing and so that I asked my therapist for an assessment and she's5900:05:47,360 --> 00:05:53,320like well I can't assess you because I'm not an MD and that's in New York and so I saw6000:05:53,320 --> 00:06:01,320my GP and yeah he diagnosed me but yeah so at the age of 34 I was finally diagnosed with6100:06:01,320 --> 00:06:05,960ADHD which is also crazy because my mom for sure has it and my brother was diagnosed as a6200:06:05,960 --> 00:06:16,060child of course and I think today I mean I always did very well in school but I think today my6300:06:16,060 --> 00:06:21,280brother probably would have been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder back in the day he6400:06:21,280 --> 00:06:27,000was diagnosed, well not diagnosed but he was assessed for Asperger's which of course you6500:06:27,000 --> 00:06:32,640don't say anymore but at the time we were but he was given the categorization of borderline6600:06:32,640 --> 00:06:39,120aspergers so he wasn't allowed to have the in-school supports for it because he didn't actually have6700:06:39,120 --> 00:06:45,040the diagnosis with his IEP but looking at him now, what's that ASD?6800:06:45,040 --> 00:06:52,920Like there's so much where I'm like bro and I think that's one of the things that I want6900:06:52,920 --> 00:06:58,920to make sure that we talk about is like how stingy and selfish people like to be with7000:06:58,920 --> 00:07:07,880the accommodations like one time I asked the police sister to repeat herself and it was something7100:07:07,880 --> 00:07:13,280that I had to know I do not remember what it was or whatever and she's like I'm not repeating7200:07:13,280 --> 00:07:19,840myself I've already told you and I was like uh-huh and I was I think I got a text message7300:07:19,840 --> 00:07:25,400or whatever and I was like so I didn't hear it and I need the information and she's like7400:07:25,400 --> 00:07:31,800I'm I'm not repeating myself and I was like and I just want to just because at the very beginning7500:07:31,800 --> 00:07:37,240and I remember feeling this way about my disorder to and depression and all of it when you're7600:07:37,240 --> 00:07:42,000at the very beginning of being like oh this is what's going on in my body and my brain7700:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,880everything is just like hyper-sensitive and wrapped up to the a million.7800:07:45,880 --> 00:07:50,480I'm sure I like got up the phone with her burst in the tears and was like I'm a throat7900:07:50,480 --> 00:08:00,160no one's ever accommodated me how hard is it to just accommodate people totally yeah and I've8000:08:00,160 --> 00:08:05,400seen a lot especially since especially since starting the podcast but even before starting8100:08:05,400 --> 00:08:09,440the podcast I had hopped on Reddit and I was like okay like let's see what Reddit has to say8200:08:09,440 --> 00:08:14,400when it comes to information they help me find the right broad size so like why not right and8300:08:14,400 --> 00:08:20,000um I've seen that chart the one where you have to bend over and lay on the floor and lay on8400:08:20,000 --> 00:08:25,520your side yeah I did it and let me tell you it like I mean I have some underwire bras they're nice8500:08:25,520 --> 00:08:31,440now yeah I don't I don't um I have to rip them off of my body like they're made of acid and I'm in8600:08:31,440 --> 00:08:40,080the lake and Dante's peak anymore and I understand I also was like what do you mean I'm like a letter8700:08:40,080 --> 00:08:46,800cup higher and two bands higher and then and so I was like yeah your boobs are just supposed to8800:08:46,800 --> 00:08:52,480float in the cup not just be compressed by the cup I was like what's up but you were on Reddit trying8900:08:52,480 --> 00:08:59,600to be like so does the deep sea thing and call focusing by the way good job um yeah so I was just9000:08:59,600 --> 00:09:04,960looking at it and you know there was a lot of people asking questions of like you know basically9100:09:04,960 --> 00:09:10,240like that seen from Mrs. Doubtfire when Sally feels it's like the whole time the whole time this was9200:09:10,240 --> 00:09:16,240it this is what was going on and so I was reading all these posts and like reading about people's9300:09:16,240 --> 00:09:20,960dating experiences and I'll be like yep that resonates and yep that resonates again9400:09:20,960 --> 00:09:29,120like holy shit doesn't everybody's going through this and I mean I would say that mine my personal9500:09:29,120 --> 00:09:37,360experience with ADHD isn't so severe in me like I can do the dishes like I would probably I probably9600:09:37,360 --> 00:09:44,400leave them way longer than I ought to but it's never almost never at a point where I have to throw9700:09:44,400 --> 00:09:50,240something away because it's so disgusting and moldy unless it's like fell out of my bag and under9800:09:50,240 --> 00:09:56,720the seat in my car and I just forgot about it so it's not quite that extreme I've never lost a job9900:09:56,720 --> 00:10:04,160because of my ADHD but there are a lot of experiences especially when it came to the executive function10000:10:04,160 --> 00:10:10,720thing because my apartment was constantly a mess and I remember my mom saying to me when I was a child10100:10:10,720 --> 00:10:16,640like well it never really bothered me if your room was messy because you'll care when you have10200:10:16,640 --> 00:10:20,080company over like when you're a teenager and you start having your friends over you'll come up10300:10:20,080 --> 00:10:25,680because you'll care and she's right the thing is that's the only time I'll call you exactly yes10400:10:25,680 --> 00:10:31,760like I need that threat and I mean I'm an attorney I made it through law school and undergrad I10500:10:31,760 --> 00:10:37,360graduated undergrad with honors I managed to get out of law school anyway I did not graduate with10600:10:37,360 --> 00:10:43,120honors but I passed the bar on my first time and it's the not that it matters you're no better or10700:10:43,120 --> 00:10:47,680worse than an attorney no matter how many times you take the bar as long as you pass it um but yeah10800:10:47,680 --> 00:10:51,360so I was looking at Reddit and it was that kind of thing where I was like well shoot like I wonder what10900:10:51,360 --> 00:10:57,920I could have done differently and what especially my dating life but then if I had known this about11000:10:57,920 --> 00:11:06,640myself sooner I think on the one hand I know that we've talked before but um I was in a abusive11100:11:06,640 --> 00:11:16,480relationship that culminated in a night of physical violence and I am not grateful for that but I know11200:11:16,480 --> 00:11:22,160that the work that I've done since that happened has made me a much more secure and strong person11300:11:22,160 --> 00:11:29,440but that being said I think a lot of what I was tolerating was because I was trying to make up for my11400:11:29,440 --> 00:11:36,480ADHD that I didn't know with ADHD and I think that's what I was just coming to terms with now as11500:11:36,480 --> 00:11:42,000we were talking where I'm like because it's that whole like what could I have accomplished had I have11600:11:42,000 --> 00:11:47,920known or if I had understood what was going on in my body and my brain or if I had worked better with11700:11:47,920 --> 00:11:54,080my body and my brain instead of just holding me like other people clean your house or clean their house11800:11:54,080 --> 00:11:59,680and you're just useless and you just don't refuse to do things that you don't like to animate11900:11:59,680 --> 00:12:05,600like do you think that I don't like everyday I just also don't clean the shower right yeah like I12000:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,120guess it was like I get out like I'm in the shower and I'm like I really got a cleanness it's getting12100:12:09,120 --> 00:12:14,400slippery and then I get out of the shower and the shower no longer exists you should see my car12200:12:14,400 --> 00:12:20,560because that's my car's start I was thinking about it and it's like so many like what I have been a12300:12:20,560 --> 00:12:27,440teacher if I didn't know that like being a teacher was like a quote unquote normal female run12400:12:27,440 --> 00:12:33,680of the male job that would eventually get you to wife status would I remember when I truly think that12500:12:33,680 --> 00:12:41,680I would have experimented more sexually or had been more open about the idea that I fall somewhere12600:12:41,680 --> 00:12:50,960on the LGBTQ spectrum of things if I wasn't always trying to make my life fit what I thought and like12700:12:50,960 --> 00:12:57,280a lot of things playing to that depression religion misogyny politics your family all of12800:12:57,280 --> 00:13:03,600that but it's your juggling all of that and then one day someone's like also your brain needs help12900:13:03,600 --> 00:13:10,000have you thought about that and you're like I just need help I don't know my brain does my brain or13000:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,760just me exactly it's definitely not feeling of like well yeah of course if I could just push a13100:13:15,760 --> 00:13:23,280button and fix it I would like I don't enjoy like I I definitely so it's not that I don't enjoy13200:13:23,280 --> 00:13:29,440having a messy place it's that it doesn't bother me I for sure do enjoy having a clean place13300:13:29,440 --> 00:13:37,200and having a very tidy place and having everything put away so it looks like a magazine I love13400:13:37,200 --> 00:13:41,840when that happens that's one of the very few reasons I'm looking forward to moving and if you see13500:13:41,840 --> 00:13:47,840there will be a point where everything is put away and it looks like I'm about to have a photo shoot13600:13:47,840 --> 00:13:54,320in my living room it's getting to that point and I think for so long especially professionally speaking13700:13:54,320 --> 00:14:03,120so much of what I did was build as um oh I'm just a perfectionist and I'm just super competitive13800:14:03,120 --> 00:14:08,720which is fair I mean I knew I wanted to be in a train because I won a moth trial in seventh grade13900:14:08,720 --> 00:14:13,840and then I decided that I wanted to be in a train and that was the end like I had backup plans14000:14:14,480 --> 00:14:20,240but like not really like they were backup plans because people are like okay well what if you don't14100:14:20,240 --> 00:14:25,040get into law school pretty competitive but I had really good grades so I was like well yeah like14200:14:25,040 --> 00:14:30,240theoretically I can do whatever the fuck I want I will just pick something else14300:14:30,240 --> 00:14:35,680right like I grew up in the 90s remember you said I could do whatever I wanted to do so like14400:14:35,680 --> 00:14:44,160eat a whole dick but like but so I like went to law school and I would have trouble especially14500:14:44,160 --> 00:14:49,120leaving deadlines and I would say like oh I'm really deadline oriented and I was in the sense that I14600:14:49,120 --> 00:14:53,200met all of my deadlines but I would meet them at the last minute and I would meet them at the last14700:14:53,200 --> 00:14:58,560minute because I needed that like a adrenaline rush of am I gonna get it done am I gonna get it done14800:14:58,560 --> 00:15:04,960to actually finally just like hit the gas pedal because up to that point it was like this paralysis14900:15:04,960 --> 00:15:09,120thing and it doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about the thing that I have to do which on the one hand15000:15:09,120 --> 00:15:15,040as I'm 20 it's helpful it allows me to work on something else while I just have this other thing15100:15:15,040 --> 00:15:19,520going on in the back burner where I'm like okay well how do I want to wear that augment like could I15200:15:19,520 --> 00:15:24,720come at it from this way but I'm working on this other thing on the front burner so in that15300:15:24,720 --> 00:15:30,800perspective it can be helpful but overall it's not helpful I'm doing so much better now that I'm15400:15:30,800 --> 00:15:36,640meditating and diagnosed then I ever was before I mean my therapist is able to offer me like15500:15:36,640 --> 00:15:42,560working solutions to problems that I'm having with managing my time and managing my personal life15600:15:42,560 --> 00:15:49,440and it's also allowed me to having that diagnosis and even having the clarity of like understanding15700:15:49,440 --> 00:15:55,840what's going on without a formal diagnosis allows you to take those steps to work towards what works15800:15:55,840 --> 00:16:03,200for you I also noticed when I was on Reddit that there were a lot of people even now make only them15900:16:03,200 --> 00:16:09,520about a year so it's not much has changed but there's a lot of gatekeeping and a lot of gatekeeping16000:16:09,520 --> 00:16:18,320diagnosing and a lot of like saying well not everything is ADHD and I agree not everything is ADHD16100:16:18,320 --> 00:16:22,800sometimes it's depression sometimes it's anxiety sometimes it's autism spectrum disorder16200:16:22,800 --> 00:16:28,160sometimes you just forget to move the laundry from the washroom to the dryer and that's a16300:16:28,160 --> 00:16:33,200totally normal thing for people who work full time and have families and obligations the issue16400:16:33,200 --> 00:16:38,320and the difference is that it's actually impairing my life the difference is that I can't have16500:16:38,320 --> 00:16:45,840company over at a moment's notice because my house is in this the issue is that I am missing deadlines16600:16:45,840 --> 00:16:50,080or if I'm not missing a deadline I'm not doing as good of a job on something that I should be doing16700:16:50,080 --> 00:16:55,280when I have plenty of time to do a good job on it the issue is that in my interpersonal16800:16:56,000 --> 00:17:02,800relationships my romantic relationships there I'm struggling with those boundaries and with16900:17:02,800 --> 00:17:12,000understanding and reading other people and and not interrupting I mean oh my god my use of eggs17000:17:12,000 --> 00:17:16,880he said to me one time like one of the things that he was like really good on me about was that I was17100:17:16,880 --> 00:17:23,200always interrupting him and then we spent some time with my extended family on my mom's side17200:17:24,000 --> 00:17:27,600and we left and he was like well now I know what you get it from because your entire family interrupts17300:17:27,600 --> 00:17:32,800and it's fucking disgusting and I was like whoa I never noticed it before because we all interrupt17400:17:32,800 --> 00:17:40,000you know that video right it's just called normal in my family look and because so I have a lot of17500:17:40,000 --> 00:17:45,120pride in speaking after my mom's side of the family but it's a lot of the same thing where we tell17600:17:45,120 --> 00:17:51,680stories in the round because everyone knows the story so as soon as my uncle has paused because he17700:17:51,680 --> 00:17:57,360needs to breathe then someone just picks up the next part of the story and then someone goes that's17800:17:57,360 --> 00:18:02,640not how it happened at all it was a Sunday and now they're in charge of the story and you're all17900:18:02,640 --> 00:18:08,480laughing and having a good time so you're like this is normal and this is what love looks like18000:18:08,480 --> 00:18:14,400right and even if it's not like even telling a story in the round like you just interrupt you18100:18:14,400 --> 00:18:21,600you all probably have ADHD that reminds you of it and that's the end and it's just whatever18200:18:22,240 --> 00:18:28,400like it just never occurred to me as a problem my biggest downfall is actually that I was so18300:18:28,400 --> 00:18:35,440successful against my own like better doing because I too would just push it until be like18400:18:35,440 --> 00:18:42,000I can write a 20 page paper in two hours and how do you someone tell me that I couldn't18500:18:42,000 --> 00:18:49,040and then do it and score the A or the B or whatever and be like ha ha yeah I'm brilliant18600:18:49,600 --> 00:18:54,720and oh my god that's how I got through all of high school like yeah I would and I remember there's18700:18:54,720 --> 00:19:08,800a kid now who's a cardiologist whatever whatever great nerd but we were in AP Euro together and I18800:19:08,800 --> 00:19:15,040remember him saying like to somebody else but like next to me basically like maybe not even smart18900:19:15,040 --> 00:19:19,200why is she even in this class and I was like first of all fuck you I'm about to have my L with19000:19:19,200 --> 00:19:25,440moment but second of all funny either you're stupid because we're in the same class or I'm smart19100:19:25,440 --> 00:19:30,640like I don't know what to tell you and he was like super p.o because in New York we have like our state19200:19:30,640 --> 00:19:36,640regents exams at the end of each year and then we had the AP exam and he was like super mad that19300:19:36,640 --> 00:19:42,480I got a four on the test and then on the AP test and then I did like whatever 95 to 98 or something19400:19:42,480 --> 00:19:49,360on the regents exam and I was like duh I'm a good test taker the problem is the homework in between19500:19:49,360 --> 00:19:56,720have you heard I'm brilliant um I was in a exact same way and if I wasn't naturally gifted at19600:19:56,720 --> 00:20:02,720something my perfectionist frame would immediately go we don't have to care about this because if we19700:20:02,720 --> 00:20:09,280had to care about it we would just be good at it and then I would trick someone into getting19800:20:09,280 --> 00:20:16,560me by sometimes it was a student teacher sometimes it was an older guy in my class who was like my friend19900:20:16,560 --> 00:20:23,680and also like the fake teacher assistant because it's like high school and that's how he's just spending20000:20:23,680 --> 00:20:31,360his study hall and I'm like hey buddy it's me you're cute adorable funny friend what is when you20100:20:31,360 --> 00:20:39,040made my homework you just remember how much you love me and I and I was diabolical and I got whatever20200:20:39,040 --> 00:20:46,400I wanted whatever I wanted and then that continued into college and then you're in this fucking real20300:20:46,400 --> 00:20:53,440world and they're like who told you you get what you want and I was like my brain because I'm so good20400:20:53,440 --> 00:21:01,760at the hustle my issue in undergrad was that I mean I loved my major I was a pretty medieval and20500:21:01,760 --> 00:21:07,680pre-modern history major and um I could just read my notes from from lecture if I just want to20600:21:07,680 --> 00:21:13,120lecture and took notes I was fine and I did well on the exams and I would read you know sometimes20700:21:13,120 --> 00:21:19,520if the class was interesting and if the professor made it interesting but otherwise like I was20800:21:19,520 --> 00:21:26,320pretty solid like I was on the dean's list every semester and I was cool the problem with that20900:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,720was that I went to law school and it turns out you can't just read the notes from class that's useless21000:21:30,720 --> 00:21:36,400hugger law school yeah this is crap and they kept saying like all this is a crack method and it was21100:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,880like means shit to me I don't know what that means you keep saying so crack method as if that's21200:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,760supposed to be an answer to the question I don't and I have like no concepts like looking back21300:21:45,760 --> 00:21:52,160I'm like like our TA in law school was like well you can do an outline for the final after the syllabus21400:21:52,160 --> 00:21:58,480or you can base it on the textbook and I was like what the fuck are you talking about what21500:21:58,480 --> 00:22:04,480what outline and then I was even more confused because I was like okay well I'll do the textbook one21600:22:05,200 --> 00:22:10,880fine like we basically went through the textbook in order still doesn't answer my question because I21700:22:10,880 --> 00:22:17,360highlighted everything I had no fucking cool out reading where's the cardiologist asking why I was in21800:22:17,360 --> 00:22:27,520law school then and then I went to teacher school and to me teacher school is a lot of just like21900:22:28,320 --> 00:22:35,680soft skills that they then make textbooks out of and they're like don't you want to know the science22000:22:35,680 --> 00:22:43,040of the braiding wickets can we and I'm like why would I ever need to know that so no so I would just22100:22:43,040 --> 00:22:50,800like thanks for asking unsubscribe yeah thank you but no I'm master's please yes there's please22200:22:53,680 --> 00:23:00,080so I was really good at all of the performative parts of teaching um and then again it was like that22300:23:00,080 --> 00:23:07,600false sense of success and then so when I quit teaching to go work in theater a friend that I had22400:23:07,600 --> 00:23:12,560having college he was younger than me like went back to one of our college events and ended up22500:23:12,560 --> 00:23:18,160telling one of my education professors oh nearly doesn't teach any more she um she got a job in22600:23:18,160 --> 00:23:24,560theater she's really loving it and that and he loved me I remember this professor loving me so I'm22700:23:24,560 --> 00:23:32,480just like so hurt but he went I knew naply wouldn't love teaching but you know what she was just like22800:23:32,480 --> 00:23:41,600one of our stars and I was like no you call me aside and you go hey honey do you want to spend six22900:23:41,600 --> 00:23:50,320years just be like more in the mud with your code appendancy but it's with like 38 year olds23000:23:50,320 --> 00:23:59,360I think that that is a part of a higher education especially that is not talked about enough I had a23100:23:59,360 --> 00:24:03,280professor in law school because my first year of law school I actually did down in my early Florida23200:24:03,280 --> 00:24:07,120and I had a professor who like pulled me aside one day I went to his office hours about23300:24:07,120 --> 00:24:16,320some things like pd are you are you happy here and I was like no like this like my amy suck it's hot23400:24:16,320 --> 00:24:23,840100% of the time it's so fucking humid it's Florida people are mean the drivers have no work23500:24:23,840 --> 00:24:29,200in tail lights I'm sorry why is there no state inspection in a place that has no fault insurance23600:24:29,200 --> 00:24:36,240and like it is just fucking crazy to me like I don't understand you have daily downpours where you23700:24:36,240 --> 00:24:40,080can't see your hand in front of your face but you don't have to get like mandatory car inspections or23800:24:40,080 --> 00:24:45,440you need to have work in tail lights fucking nuts absolutely fucking nuts no this place is crazy I23900:24:45,440 --> 00:24:50,240absolutely he said will be one of the professors law here and I was like no why would I this place is24000:24:50,240 --> 00:24:59,440the hell hole and he was basically like yeah so the thing is he's like I vacation every summer24100:24:59,440 --> 00:25:04,800in upstate Newark in the out of on backs um you need to go home you need to go back to Newark24200:25:05,440 --> 00:25:11,280and I was like there there he's like why didn't you go to Albany law like that's a great school and24300:25:11,280 --> 00:25:15,680I was like my whole family would go Albany law and I would like go somewhere where they were and get24400:25:15,680 --> 00:25:25,440into free and he was like that's that's not that's not it something in that way they're never gonna24500:25:25,440 --> 00:25:31,840cancel your student loans Katie well he was basically like like if you can get into a place24600:25:31,840 --> 00:25:38,720because your family is known there just fucking take that hand out like no that's not not the24700:25:38,720 --> 00:25:46,800hole to die on what you're saying is I can blame my stubbornness on ADHD thank goodness I'm gonna write that down24800:25:46,800 --> 00:25:56,960accommodate me it is um I'm I'm of the mindset actually that I think ADHD will end up being24900:25:56,960 --> 00:26:03,520incorporated into autism spectrum disorder I think ADHD itself is a spectrum of course but I think25000:26:03,520 --> 00:26:11,440that there's so much overlap in the symptoms of ADHD and ASD particularly I think in25100:26:11,440 --> 00:26:18,400the elements of rigidity especially I think you see all these like tweets or whatever25200:26:18,400 --> 00:26:23,600what people are talking about how like if I can fully understand your reason for having a rule25300:26:23,600 --> 00:26:28,720I will follow your rule if I don't understand your reason for it or I think your reasoning is25400:26:28,720 --> 00:26:33,520flawed or stupid then I'm not going to follow your rule I'm gonna do it my own way because my I know25500:26:33,520 --> 00:26:39,920that my own way is either more efficient for me or more efficient for everybody but it works for me25600:26:39,920 --> 00:26:46,880better than your way and I'm gonna do it my way and I'm gonna dig my heels in and a story and25700:26:48,320 --> 00:26:54,640that sort of rigidity I think is more often associated with autism spectrum disorder but I see it a lot25800:26:54,640 --> 00:27:03,920in ADHDers I think that we are very rigid in our understanding of things and I think that especially25900:27:03,920 --> 00:27:13,760having a co-host who also has ADHD my partner has ADHD her partner has ADHD so between the four of us26000:27:13,760 --> 00:27:18,560like there are definitely points where we have to all kind of take a step back and like think about26100:27:18,560 --> 00:27:24,400the words that we're choosing because we are all also the four of us friends but when there's26200:27:24,400 --> 00:27:30,320like this business component to it we have to like separate things a little bit and say like okay26300:27:30,320 --> 00:27:36,720this is what I would like let me know if you can do that or not and then I can adjust my26400:27:36,720 --> 00:27:42,000expectations or adjust and figure out what I'm asking and you can figure out if what I'm asking26500:27:42,000 --> 00:27:49,360is unreasonable and/or why and go from there but you it is something that you really have to be conscious26600:27:49,360 --> 00:27:54,960that you're working on and when especially when you're undiagnosed or you're newly diagnosed26700:27:54,960 --> 00:28:00,800or you've been diagnosed for a long time burnout can catch up with you so fast you didn't26800:28:00,800 --> 00:28:06,960episode on it in I think it was December and we didn't episode on burnout and it was just this idea26900:28:06,960 --> 00:28:14,400of like when you have ADHD everybody is is riding a bicycle whether you have ADHD or not everybody's27000:28:14,400 --> 00:28:21,440on a bicycle but if you have ADHD you're on a low year trying to go uphill and so you're pedaling27100:28:21,440 --> 00:28:27,440so much faster and so much harder than everybody else just to keep up but by the time you get to the27200:28:27,440 --> 00:28:32,400top of the hill they might be a little bit out of breath you need a full break like you need to get27300:28:32,400 --> 00:28:37,360off the bike and walk around and catch your breath and get your bearings and then you can probably go27400:28:37,360 --> 00:28:45,360down the hill way faster but you need that time to recalibrate and catch your breath but the reality27500:28:45,360 --> 00:28:52,960is especially I think if you're undiagnosed and I mean the reality is that I think in fact I know27600:28:52,960 --> 00:29:00,080my current employer my supervisor made a comment to me in like December or December of last year where27700:29:01,040 --> 00:29:05,760he didn't know that I had a HD at this point but he made a comment with me and said oh well if you27800:29:05,760 --> 00:29:12,960want to talk you think you have ADHD now or whatever and I was like well yeah some people do and27900:29:12,960 --> 00:29:19,920it looked at me and I was like well well like and the reality is like again I think there is28000:29:19,920 --> 00:29:28,320something that comes from being like aging like I'm 35 now my boss might be 15 years older than me28100:29:28,320 --> 00:29:37,520but I'm experienced enough in my field that we're effectively the same so it's it's enough for me to say28200:29:37,520 --> 00:29:44,160like no you don't get to speak to me that way which is the benefit of aging I think and it's beautiful28300:29:44,160 --> 00:29:49,040and it's something that nobody's nobody ever told us when we were kids that like when you're older you28400:29:49,040 --> 00:29:56,080actually like get to really hold your own and it's like really beautiful and powerful way and whether28500:29:56,080 --> 00:30:03,360you choose to dye your hair or get Botox or not you still get to do all those things and be like really28600:30:03,360 --> 00:30:11,040assertive and like like wonder woman like Gal Gadot when she like realizes her power is kind of thing28700:30:11,040 --> 00:30:16,320also with Chris Evans because you're sidekick but also doing that or not Chris Evans28800:30:16,320 --> 00:30:23,520no Chris Pine yeah all the Chris's all the Chris's man except for Chris Pratt28900:30:25,680 --> 00:30:33,040so mad at him all the time and I think when it comes to art so there's so much where the popular29000:30:33,040 --> 00:30:40,800and I don't know I'm not a historian but I think that this is the pattern society and large groups of29100:30:40,800 --> 00:30:47,920people will be like three to five years ahead of where we're actually at so we're looking at29200:30:47,920 --> 00:30:54,720employers where still like you work a nine to five maybe around 10 30 you get a little jittery29300:30:54,720 --> 00:31:01,280so you go and you like stand at a waterfall where it was someone and talk about praise anatomy and then29400:31:01,280 --> 00:31:07,440at noon everyone goes to lunch and then at five everyone goes home and by seven year eating dinner29500:31:07,440 --> 00:31:14,080and they just think like that's how it should be that's how it will be and everyone can live in that29600:31:14,080 --> 00:31:22,720flow and what I've learned is once I didn't have to live in that flow anymore because of the pandemic29700:31:22,720 --> 00:31:29,120I could not transition back to you telling me what I had to do when I had to do it yeah I know that29800:31:29,120 --> 00:31:37,520not to speak for her but my co-host Garrett feels that way immensely and because she's currently29900:31:37,520 --> 00:31:45,120pregnant she's considering like our our offices policies on pumping and the availability of a pumping30000:31:45,120 --> 00:31:51,200space for nursing mothers which is required by state and federal law but she's going through all30100:31:51,200 --> 00:31:56,480these things where she is sad like we had a whole conversation at work with actually one of our30200:31:56,480 --> 00:32:01,520meeting reps the other day and the union rep was like well just ask for reasonable accommodation and30300:32:01,520 --> 00:32:07,040you can work from home five days a week because we have a hybrid schedule right now when you can work30400:32:07,040 --> 00:32:13,760from home two days a week if you want and because she said she's like I can't go back two30500:32:13,760 --> 00:32:20,000weeks five days a week like absolutely not and so she said like she's like I might have to because30600:32:20,000 --> 00:32:26,560they want her to like pump on a regular schedule every single day at the back same time you have to30700:32:26,560 --> 00:32:32,320go down to HR get the key to the pumping room then go from R4 which is the sucking for then go up30800:32:32,320 --> 00:32:38,160to the fourth floor pump then go back down to the first floor drop the key off and then go back to your30900:32:38,160 --> 00:32:44,400desk and then at the end of the day because there's a mini fridge in that room you go back down to31000:32:44,400 --> 00:32:51,200HR get the key go up to the fourth floor assuming nobody's there yes that could be their pumping schedule31100:32:51,200 --> 00:32:55,920like if they're there till 5 p.m. they might be pumping it when she leaves but then wait for them to31200:32:55,920 --> 00:33:02,160leave so that she can go into the room get her stuff and then skid at all and then go pick up the31300:33:02,160 --> 00:33:07,680kid from daycare and it's all these different things which is like that is absolutely ridiculous31400:33:07,680 --> 00:33:14,080like the fact that you're thinking that that's acceptable is just nonsense and it's true31500:33:14,080 --> 00:33:20,480but it's that kind of thing that I think the pandemic allowed a lot of us to have the space to be like31600:33:20,480 --> 00:33:28,880why am I commuting 40 minutes each way why am I driving and taking the train for hours and hours31700:33:28,880 --> 00:33:33,600and wasting all this time that I could be spending with my family or my cats or my31800:33:33,600 --> 00:33:42,000whoever well I could just be at home because if I'm at home my accommodations are on me31900:33:42,560 --> 00:33:48,240like because that's currently what's happening with my day job my day job is I'm grading standardized32000:33:48,240 --> 00:33:54,480tests with things I have to listen to children ask answer the same two questions over and over and32100:33:54,480 --> 00:34:03,280over again and they have two scheduled 15 minute breaks and a half hour lunch but ask me if I'm32200:34:03,280 --> 00:34:09,200sitting there at the rest of the time no because I self-accompanied and I'm like okay now I can work32300:34:09,200 --> 00:34:18,720out now I can do a tour now I can switch it up and I'm still out performing people yeah oh absolutely32400:34:18,720 --> 00:34:25,040and I I agree I think you know even recently I had to go back to fully working from home32500:34:25,040 --> 00:34:29,680because I go into the office full time just because the nature of my job our office flooded32600:34:29,680 --> 00:34:37,600because of some like I stand situation or something on the roof so we were I was going in once a week32700:34:38,480 --> 00:34:43,120which is what I was doing from the pandemic but fucking sucked because I have to mail a32800:34:43,120 --> 00:34:47,680appeal so I had to like do all this math to figure out like the next time I'm gonna be in the office32900:34:47,680 --> 00:34:53,200if I could get everything filed ahead of time and just just fucking annoying anyway the boy being33000:34:53,200 --> 00:34:58,640though I was like there's still nothing better than like being like okay I'm hungry I'll go make lunch33100:34:58,640 --> 00:35:04,880now or okay it's like 4.30 although take some chicken out of the fridge even though I have another33200:35:04,880 --> 00:35:10,080half hour of work like just those little things also being able to be in my own bathroom and not a33300:35:10,080 --> 00:35:17,840public situation not that we pee in public but a public restroom just squatting and let push33400:35:17,840 --> 00:35:22,560us outside of here. What's your list there's the thing that like public employees in New York or33500:35:22,560 --> 00:35:28,960like just in a bucket or to like literally get so fucking frustrated about something that I'm33600:35:28,960 --> 00:35:35,600working on that I can literally just grab my cat and go we will lay down for we're gonna do a quick33700:35:35,600 --> 00:35:43,200seven. Absolutely I mean there were times where I took my lunch break was me taking a half hour now33800:35:43,200 --> 00:35:49,360because I can eat at my desk while I'm working that's not a big deal to me I can multitask that way33900:35:49,360 --> 00:35:54,640and in fact I think that that helps make me more effective because I'm keeping one of my hands busy34000:35:54,640 --> 00:36:02,240and my mouth busy while my brain is busy fine and to have that option like I'm not gonna go sleep in my34100:36:02,240 --> 00:36:11,440car no way if I'm in the office I mean I also wouldn't do that if I was at my house but yeah like34200:36:11,440 --> 00:36:17,520just having that flexibility is just so nice and with this whole like nursing situation and pumping34300:36:18,880 --> 00:36:25,040Garrett has said like I don't want to hear another thing about not being able to recruit workers when34400:36:25,040 --> 00:36:32,400you refuse to give them a fully remote position when the job can be done fully remotely also she and34500:36:32,400 --> 00:36:41,120I don't know but like what if Garrett could be at home pumping comfortably or breastfeeding her infant34600:36:41,120 --> 00:36:47,200because now the infant doesn't have to do the daycare because she can kind of do both like34700:36:48,480 --> 00:36:53,040right exactly and that's why our union rep is like well that's your reasonable accommodation then34800:36:53,040 --> 00:36:58,800if they can't like guarantee that you can get to that room because the reality of of pumping is like34900:36:58,800 --> 00:37:06,160it's a bodily function so your your breast will be coming gorge you'll start leaking you will be35000:37:06,160 --> 00:37:13,840in pain until you pump or feed your baby and so and that can be affected by your hormones of how much35100:37:13,840 --> 00:37:18,560you had to drink the day before how much the baby ate the day before how much the baby ate that morning35200:37:18,560 --> 00:37:22,960I mean it's like so many different things that can affect that but I was like that is and then35300:37:22,960 --> 00:37:29,280somebody was like either in HR or different union rep was like well potentially if you're the only35400:37:29,280 --> 00:37:35,840person who needs the pumping room we can give the key to your supervisor and I was like so that's35500:37:35,840 --> 00:37:45,040the same as asking your supervisor if you can go potty like if you consider what that really is but35600:37:45,040 --> 00:37:53,600because it's a female only experience or a fab only experience it is this like reg like super35700:37:53,600 --> 00:37:58,160hyper regulated like oh there's just one key and they're worried about the cost of making key35800:37:58,160 --> 00:38:03,920I'm sorry I just had two keys made at home depot for less than 10 bucks and like I35900:38:04,480 --> 00:38:11,840are used to believe that the public of your credit state that the entire state doesn't have a key36000:38:11,840 --> 00:38:19,440making machine somewhere in some fucking basement right where they make a copy of a key but not only that36100:38:19,440 --> 00:38:25,680we all have ideas that are like little swiper things that's the scanner on the door you'd think36200:38:25,680 --> 00:38:29,360and like it's like well it's privacy only one person can be in the room at the time she's like36300:38:31,200 --> 00:38:39,120privacy or not just get a room divider like what like also I can't speak to the other floors36400:38:39,120 --> 00:38:45,360but to the extent that there's modest involved you've had like no less than 14 different people36500:38:45,360 --> 00:38:52,000inside your cooter when you gave birth so like at that point of another person who's nursing36600:38:52,000 --> 00:38:58,960seeing potentially the side of your boob is an exactly an issue right I don't want to talk to36700:38:58,960 --> 00:39:05,360anyone else who has a bow I don't want to speak for not I don't want to talk to breastfeeding36800:39:05,360 --> 00:39:15,040ladies but I don't want to talk to four people who have to breastfeed but I think that men have36900:39:15,040 --> 00:39:22,560way more of a panic about that foundation than we ever have because I remember being a child37000:39:23,360 --> 00:39:32,400sitting in rooms with my mom's best friend with my aunts with anybody and they were breastfeeding a baby37100:39:32,400 --> 00:39:38,080I understood the functioning of breastfeeding at a very young age because I was watching it all37200:39:38,080 --> 00:39:43,760the time and no one was like handling and bird your eyes are like oh my god someone cover up the boob37300:39:43,760 --> 00:39:51,920or the baby right exactly exactly and certainly so I also can't say that I've never37400:39:52,560 --> 00:39:59,280at this point nursed or pumped but I can't imagine that if you're in a room with other people who are37500:39:59,280 --> 00:40:06,080also pumping that there's much to look at other than like oh do you like that model this one is37600:40:06,080 --> 00:40:10,000better for me because like you might have a conversation about the different type of pumping37700:40:10,000 --> 00:40:15,920machines you use but beyond that I just don't like unless really unless the baby is there there's37800:40:15,920 --> 00:40:24,560nothing to talk about I I truly knew that like my time at nine to five living had to come to it37900:40:24,560 --> 00:40:34,240or that I was like an MLM yeah that I was that I was done playing a nine to five game when it was38000:40:34,240 --> 00:40:41,520my life on the line and my happiness and my joy at one time I had gone out to once come back to the38100:40:41,520 --> 00:40:49,680parking lot for my office I was finishing a phone call with my best friend and I seized and my38200:40:49,680 --> 00:40:57,040period jump started again and I had period if the fact that it like didn't also just like day38300:40:57,040 --> 00:41:05,040lose on to the car but I knew I was like I was like okay well 15 year old me would have been riddled38400:41:05,040 --> 00:41:12,160with shame trying to like tie something around my waist or whatever 27 year old me would continue my38500:41:12,160 --> 00:41:18,640workday I go but 33 year old me is going to fuck home because I can do this shop from home I'm38600:41:18,640 --> 00:41:27,200gonna drive I'm gonna shower I'm gonna change my outfit and I will have my horrendous jump started38700:41:27,200 --> 00:41:34,720period at home for sure yeah I think again like that's that thing with aging where I'm like I'm38800:41:34,720 --> 00:41:41,120just not going to put up with being uncomfortable if I don't need to be also I think the pandemic38900:41:41,120 --> 00:41:48,640made me realize the sensory stuff that comes along with how my brain works because I'm like so I'm39000:41:48,640 --> 00:41:54,880just gonna sit in what pants for the rest of the day and know that I'm miserable and portraying39100:41:54,880 --> 00:42:02,080myself and at this point I don't want to torture myself anymore yeah for sure because all I would39200:42:02,080 --> 00:42:06,000be thinking about is like oh everybody can smell it I can smell it I'm definitely not even though39300:42:06,000 --> 00:42:12,480there's nothing probably there to deal with oh I'm I'm a math now every time I stand up I have to39400:42:12,480 --> 00:42:20,880consider like the the middle school like in a good and like like check behind me and you know39500:42:20,880 --> 00:42:29,680let's go I'll just go home and it was like my bus is third day because I had like that in a new boss39600:42:29,680 --> 00:42:38,560in the beginning of this job and I just texted him I was like I've had a female wardrobe malfunction39700:42:38,560 --> 00:42:43,360I'm going home to change and he's like well are you coming back and I go no because I live 40 minutes39800:42:43,360 --> 00:42:50,320away I'm not how is that reasonable for your time and for getting the most work out of me if I'm39900:42:50,320 --> 00:42:56,640spending 80 minutes in the car to change my pants well not only 80 minutes but 80 minutes plus the40000:42:56,640 --> 00:43:03,760shower time because like let's be clear let's be clear that is not the good thing I'm taking that40100:43:03,760 --> 00:43:13,440handheld shower to myself like you just be like my god a massacre yeah and I think like when I40200:43:13,440 --> 00:43:20,160watch women just being like no I will be considered and you just like watch the panic and that's40300:43:20,160 --> 00:43:26,320what's eventually gonna happen with people from the 80s spectrum the autism spectrum where it's like40400:43:26,640 --> 00:43:33,920no I will be considered and this isn't a big deal totally and I've said that like since my boss made40500:43:33,920 --> 00:43:39,040that comment last year I've said something to him where he's like oh can't you remember and I was like40600:43:39,040 --> 00:43:47,440no I have ADHD like you can see like he's just like quiet about it and I'm like well what now man40700:43:47,440 --> 00:43:52,960because like if I need to get a doctor's note I will but like it's one of those things where you know40800:43:53,520 --> 00:43:59,680it's the struggle with it a lot of times I feel like especially for women comes from the fact that40900:43:59,680 --> 00:44:06,560hey and hardly think that it's like everyone else is ADHD and spectrum that's making someone go no41000:44:06,560 --> 00:44:12,480it's a big deal to accommodate you because somehow if I accommodate you I was wrong yesterday when41100:44:12,480 --> 00:44:20,640I didn't accommodate you it's like not bro we can just move forward right I have great news I have41200:44:20,640 --> 00:44:26,960a table working memory so if you're just nice to me now I'm good well it's like well if I let you41300:44:26,960 --> 00:44:32,400work from home I have to let other people work from home okay say hi like I don't get it41400:44:32,400 --> 00:44:41,360save the money on rent then dude I don't know oh yeah they're so uppity about it they um are you41500:44:41,360 --> 00:44:49,040gonna be started saying that uh maybe like 10 months or so into the pandemic they were like well41600:44:49,040 --> 00:44:56,080you need to fill out this form and tell us what you're doing each day so that like and so as an attorney41700:44:56,080 --> 00:45:02,880it's um we call it timekeeping but it's so I've worked her firms over your flat rate firms41800:45:02,880 --> 00:45:08,800we didn't build our clients like hourly so they didn't get a bill where oh Katie spent41900:45:08,800 --> 00:45:14,560point three hours on the phone with a closing counselor whatever um we didn't do that but when you42000:45:14,560 --> 00:45:22,240have to do timekeeping you still keep a time like a spreadsheet of all that shit you do and they42100:45:22,240 --> 00:45:27,760started requiring that I was like this is bullshit for the most part I was in a different unit42200:45:27,760 --> 00:45:33,360that I am and now I had nothing to report I was sitting around the courts were closed nothing was42300:45:33,360 --> 00:45:38,960moving I'm sitting around writing on my fucking spreadsheet I'm waiting for a call for my supervisor42400:45:38,960 --> 00:45:43,600what do you want me to put that I'm watching love is blind or tiger king for the second42500:45:44,560 --> 00:45:49,520and it's all about the the nickel and dining like how do I make sure that you're earning your42600:45:49,520 --> 00:45:55,600wage I don't know how are you making sure that you're paying me and actually making sure that I have42700:45:55,600 --> 00:46:03,040work available to me like yeah oh totally and I mean I mean I need department where I definitely42800:46:03,040 --> 00:46:09,200don't have that issue anymore but one of the things when one of the reasons that I was like I'm42900:46:09,200 --> 00:46:14,240absolutely coming back every day and not doing any hybrid schedule bullshit is because if you43000:46:14,240 --> 00:46:18,960were in the office every day you didn't have to do the timekeeper thing and if you did if you worked43100:46:18,960 --> 00:46:24,480anything hybrid if you worked at home at all you had to submit that timekeeper thing for every43200:46:24,480 --> 00:46:28,720single day you worked not just the ones that you were working from home and I was like this is43300:46:28,720 --> 00:46:33,360ridiculous I refuse to be babysat absolutely not I'll just come into the office like if it's that43400:46:33,360 --> 00:46:38,640fucking important to you weirdos all be in the office every day I don't care and then43500:46:38,640 --> 00:46:43,360our building flooded and they freaked out as to like why I couldn't possibly work from home when they43600:46:43,360 --> 00:46:50,480are the ones that made it impossible for me to work from home I I was infuriated when I was working43700:46:50,480 --> 00:46:58,720at hybrid schedule and I would be in an office doing nothing except for watching critical goal43800:46:58,720 --> 00:47:07,120and being comforted by William O'Brien and I believe why I could be doing monitoring my cat could be43900:47:07,120 --> 00:47:13,840looking at me I could be talking to my best friend but while I'm working on this like there are so44000:47:13,840 --> 00:47:20,400many benefits to my emotional and mental health also my productivity that you're just holding on44100:47:20,400 --> 00:47:27,760to some like sick plane to my time yeah we kept getting these like bullshit newsletters every month44200:47:27,760 --> 00:47:32,720that were like you know we're showing higher productivity with people who are working from home44300:47:32,720 --> 00:47:35,920and then they're like make sure you're not letting your productivity slip and I was like could you44400:47:35,920 --> 00:47:41,520just take a while and please are we working more or less because when I work from home it's way44500:47:41,520 --> 00:47:52,160easier for me to work past 5 p.m. because I'll focus and get that second wind at like 415 and I'll44600:47:52,160 --> 00:47:57,840blow right past my clock out time and it's not like I'm I'm I'm salaried I can't charge them for that44700:47:57,840 --> 00:48:04,560no so like what harm is it you're like effectively getting way more work for me I'm also not having44800:48:04,560 --> 00:48:14,000to deal with talking with like about the banal bullshit with my coworkers who I can't be bothered44900:48:14,000 --> 00:48:20,480to really care about you know somehow I'm viewed as being less productive when I'm at home or I have45000:48:20,480 --> 00:48:25,680to prove that I'm actually productive and it's the kind of thing where I think it goes into that kind of45100:48:25,680 --> 00:48:32,40080 hd um a little bit rejection sensitivity but definitely justice sensitivity where it's like45200:48:32,400 --> 00:48:36,240if I haven't given you a reason to think that I'm not following the rules and stop thinking I'm not45300:48:36,240 --> 00:48:40,880following the rules like I'll follow the rules I'm working what I'm supposed to work just like I did45400:48:40,880 --> 00:48:50,560before and I think that like her the massage me comes in with a comedy 80 hd or comedy anything45500:48:50,560 --> 00:48:58,400in the office or work from home or you know anything where it's like but then who's in control45600:48:59,200 --> 00:49:07,120yes and and do we want women to have an easier time working and raising families because then45700:49:07,120 --> 00:49:14,160who's in control then and like well what happens if they can make money and raise their kids yeah45800:49:14,160 --> 00:49:19,280that's true and I mean there's also that thing of you know what happens if they can make money45900:49:19,280 --> 00:49:23,280well what happens if they're actually producing more like you are you're outperforming your46000:49:23,280 --> 00:49:30,960colleague so now I'm out producing my colleagues I want to raise the end the end you know it doesn't46100:49:30,960 --> 00:49:36,160matter where I'm working the point is I'm doing it like you think I have like an army of mice doing46200:49:36,160 --> 00:49:41,920this for me like no it's me and that's the other thing I think there's like a bizarre distrust and I46300:49:41,920 --> 00:49:49,600think it comes from more the history of paternalism that we have in the workplace that has become46400:49:49,600 --> 00:49:55,760misogyny but it is that thing if I can't see you do it then I can't believe you did it and it's very much a46500:49:55,760 --> 00:50:02,880like oh did you brush your teeth before bed let me smell your breath like I don't trust you46600:50:02,880 --> 00:50:09,040and it's like okay well yeah it's one thing to ask an eight year old who is notorious for you know46700:50:09,040 --> 00:50:13,280they went into the bathroom for 15 seconds and said they brush their teeth well yeah no it's46800:50:13,280 --> 00:50:23,360reasonable to question that but you know when I'm winning 90% of my cases when I'm meeting every46900:50:23,360 --> 00:50:30,880deadline and exceeding every deadline and I have no complaints like nobody's complaining about me47000:50:30,880 --> 00:50:38,160like leave me alone and let me work like I'm just happy to be left alone well and then it's like47100:50:38,160 --> 00:50:46,720an ego-striking thing too because I I've had a lot of employers who will watch my success and because47200:50:46,720 --> 00:50:52,560they are in arm length away from my success be like look how well I did training Natalie to do that47300:50:52,560 --> 00:50:58,240look at me let her soar and I think what we found out in the combinoids is that middle note47400:50:58,240 --> 00:51:07,760managers are middle for reason and they don't wait and again I think a lot of people panic47500:51:07,760 --> 00:51:16,880I think a lot of those people were insecure not quite serve themselves middle managers who were47600:51:16,880 --> 00:51:22,720put into middle management because their daddy played golf with someone else's daddy and47700:51:22,720 --> 00:51:28,720and then it's like why can't I work from home if I can continuously show you that I'm doing a good47800:51:28,720 --> 00:51:34,560job and it's like well because then what would I do I don't know well that's just it so the thing is47900:51:34,560 --> 00:51:41,120those middle managers like let's be real they're all probably mid to late 40s or up right so48000:51:41,120 --> 00:51:50,000all of those folks were put into that position by boomers who are like okay like thanks Johnson48100:51:50,000 --> 00:52:01,520just finger guns everywhere yeah and they're putting that position and then suddenly at the48200:52:01,520 --> 00:52:05,840pandemic where they're like oh make sure you're checking in get on the bus get on zoom with your48300:52:05,840 --> 00:52:11,440people have a conference call I mean I was having daily fucking conference calls daily conference calls48400:52:11,440 --> 00:52:20,480with a manager who I my desk before the pandemic was literally outside his office door I got maybe48500:52:20,480 --> 00:52:26,320six different assignments in the full year before the pandemic other than document review which48600:52:26,320 --> 00:52:31,680let's be honest and intern today regardless we were having these daily conference calls and I was just like48700:52:31,680 --> 00:52:37,920we're brodering Christ like what are we doing here but it's because they had to be able to say to the48800:52:37,920 --> 00:52:43,360boomers that put them in that position this is what I did today to make sure my people are paying48900:52:43,360 --> 00:52:48,320attention to getting their job but they never did that before because they were able to go into49000:52:48,320 --> 00:52:56,560work and be like hey marky and like move on I have a friend who's doing the same job as I am from her49100:52:56,560 --> 00:53:02,400own home and she actually like recommended me for this testing job and we will just text one49200:53:02,400 --> 00:53:07,280another back and forth and you're like oh they must have been hit on during their leader meeting49300:53:07,280 --> 00:53:14,400about this because everyone's getting a phone call about it cool cool everyone got a DM about this49400:53:14,400 --> 00:53:19,200today I think we're gonna have to have you and Garrett back so we can talk about massage and49500:53:19,200 --> 00:53:24,160eat within the medical community because I'm about to just start a second episode but we went with49600:53:24,160 --> 00:53:30,560jobs instead Garrett has a lot to talk about that one then we will make sure that when I go back so49700:53:30,560 --> 00:53:37,040I can talk to you and Garrett at the same time that he's also get to come back yeah yeah we'll make49800:53:37,040 --> 00:53:41,440sure that she's actually available I promise we'll make sure at least that she has power yes49900:53:42,560 --> 00:53:47,600but let's end the episode with our two little traditions before my dad just like bust down my50000:53:47,600 --> 00:53:52,160door and it's like I'm just standing out there for 45 minutes and I'm like I do you have a text on50100:53:52,160 --> 00:53:59,440your phone you're in D&D no I've been checking because I'm in D&D and so I've just been looking50200:53:59,440 --> 00:54:03,840occasionally which is great for my age stage just be like I guess I'll make the phone light up50300:54:03,840 --> 00:54:12,160oh I know so we like to end every show with a lesson in the meanestestation so with being kind of50400:54:12,720 --> 00:54:18,240I hate using the term late in life diagnosed because then it's like late in life pregnancy late in50500:54:18,240 --> 00:54:25,840life marriage late in life I mean I have all of those things going for me at this point but um no it is50600:54:25,840 --> 00:54:32,320statistically a late diagnosis in the sense that most um people who are diagnosed in child50700:54:32,320 --> 00:54:38,400have our diagnosed before you age of 10 yes um and males are diagnosed at three times the rate of50800:54:38,400 --> 00:54:46,400female or a-fabs anyway um today which is way better than it used to be in the 90s when we were growing50900:54:46,400 --> 00:54:52,160up and going through school but um it's still you know with three to one odds of getting diagnosed51000:54:52,160 --> 00:54:57,520and getting those interventions young so um yeah I don't have a problem with late diagnosis51100:54:57,520 --> 00:55:03,840I'm gonna be a geriatric pregnancy by the time I end up having a kid anyway so51200:55:03,840 --> 00:55:10,400with every patient it just feels so offensive well I know it's all my boyfriend on the oxygenarian51300:55:10,400 --> 00:55:16,400I'm sorry for being myself as middle-aged and people do not like that because I'm 34 and I was like51400:55:16,400 --> 00:55:20,960I don't know though have you checked out climate change like I might be middle-aged51500:55:20,960 --> 00:55:28,080that is dark but I'm here for it I might be old as hell can it like in conjunction with the51600:55:28,080 --> 00:55:35,680climate yeah I mean let's we just live through a pandemic yeah and you know I have a medieval and51700:55:35,680 --> 00:55:43,440pre-modern history major we are you know in the golden years but what what would you say is that51800:55:43,440 --> 00:55:50,160is your like legacy lesson that you would like to pass on to people like hey kids this is what you51900:55:50,160 --> 00:56:00,480should know what I would have liked to know most ten years ago is that um you are different52000:56:00,480 --> 00:56:12,080but there's a reason for it and it's okay it doesn't make you less worthy less valid52100:56:12,080 --> 00:56:17,840and it doesn't limit your ability to be as accomplished as you want to be52200:56:19,520 --> 00:56:26,160yeah I think I would like tag on to that and be like instead of putting in all of this energy to52300:56:26,160 --> 00:56:34,560maybe yourself believe that you deserve grace just do the grace thing to move on like I spend52400:56:34,560 --> 00:56:40,080like I told you I loved meditation right up until I realized it was a coping mechanism and then52500:56:40,080 --> 00:56:45,040I was like I hate it because now it's just something that's helping me instead of something I'm52600:56:45,040 --> 00:56:53,520joined things can be I have this like art date with a friend where we were just like scribbling52700:56:53,520 --> 00:57:00,800up with oil pastels on the same poster board like parallel plane and I just remember telling him52800:57:00,800 --> 00:57:09,760like I have a really hard time um actually recognizing what's relaxing and what's just something52900:57:09,760 --> 00:57:16,400that I'm doing to do a thing he was like what do you mean I go well I go for so long of my life53000:57:16,400 --> 00:57:22,160relaxing only happened when I was burned out so it involved watching 18 seasons of Mary53100:57:22,160 --> 00:57:28,560that per site mm-hmm such a good show I love Mary that per site really got them on it whenever you want53200:57:28,560 --> 00:57:37,760it's so good it's so bad so I was telling him that the only way I can actually be like I relax53300:57:37,760 --> 00:57:44,960today is that one Saturday a month where my body refuses to move so I have to relax I go53400:57:44,960 --> 00:57:51,920but doing this like doing art with you like I'm happy we're having great conversation I'm still using53500:57:51,920 --> 00:58:01,600my creative brain so my brain is activated I go look would you classify this as relaxing so I would53600:58:01,600 --> 00:58:08,160love to just like have people make that bridge where it's like it all get you get to have the grace53700:58:08,160 --> 00:58:15,920to create what it is that works for you absolutely I think that's why I love our podcast so much is that53800:58:15,920 --> 00:58:23,760it scratches that itch mm-hmm I can be weird I can funny I can be intellectual I can do whatever53900:58:23,760 --> 00:58:30,400I want to be and so can get it and it allows us the space to do that in a really creative way54000:58:30,400 --> 00:58:38,320so I haven't had to dig out my cross stitch box or start sewing face masks again or you know any54100:58:38,320 --> 00:58:45,120other random thing because I have this to fill myself into and it's something that yes it's worth54200:58:45,120 --> 00:58:50,640absolutely there are times when I'm like yep I forgot to make the post that I was supposed to make today54300:58:50,640 --> 00:58:59,840but um there is so much satisfaction out of it and I think yeah I would agree I54400:58:59,840 --> 00:59:08,000do I know that Garrett has on our show she's realized that the only way that she relaxes or what she54500:59:08,000 --> 00:59:13,440deans or quote unquote relaxing activity is actually something that's productive it's cleaning it's54600:59:13,440 --> 00:59:18,080you know doing stuff around the house and getting projects done and she said on the show she was like54700:59:18,080 --> 00:59:25,680oh my god do I not know how to relax and it's that kind of thing where kind of have like we've both54800:59:25,680 --> 00:59:33,680had various existential crisis on the show but um it is that thing where I think it's worth54900:59:33,680 --> 00:59:41,840um allowing yourself like you said the space to just exist without having to earn the right to55000:59:41,840 --> 00:59:48,960exist or even have to just like keep scrolling with yourself like I was really good today I was55100:59:48,960 --> 00:59:54,800really lazy today or like I was a person who relaxed today like we're so hyped up about labels55200:59:54,800 --> 01:00:03,360and calling things that I'm like not everything has to just be in the name of my mental like55301:00:03,360 --> 01:00:11,280illness it can just be like it eased by depression but it wasn't about my depression to begin but55401:00:11,280 --> 01:00:18,080and I think that when um well then will this come out for you when will this come out for me I feel55501:00:18,080 --> 01:00:26,800like it's another summer one I can pull it up on the Google calendar that's okay so in um in may we55601:00:26,800 --> 01:00:32,800just did two episodes about mine and Garrett's experiences with Diet culture on our case with55701:00:32,800 --> 01:00:42,080dieting and we talked about that thing that we have both done in the past uh well I was really good55801:00:42,080 --> 01:00:51,920today so I I'm allowed to not exercise or I exercise a lot so I can have a glass of wine and kind of55901:00:51,920 --> 01:00:59,040like holding yourself hostage and um and that sort of thing but it taught to women especially56001:00:59,040 --> 01:01:07,200in the context of dieting and in the context of disorder eating build to us as the way to deserve56101:01:07,200 --> 01:01:14,480affection the way to deserve the right to take up space in the world yeah um so yeah what you said56201:01:14,480 --> 01:01:22,480going fits into those episodes of our oh we talk like I'm exhausted about talking about like my56301:01:22,480 --> 01:01:27,840relationship with food and how it some days it's good some days it's bad sometimes I think about it56401:01:27,840 --> 01:01:33,920all day some days I don't think about it all some days foods disgusting and like why would I ever eat56501:01:33,920 --> 01:01:41,680something oh for sure my hyper fixation meals oh they're amazing until they're not and then I would56601:01:41,680 --> 01:01:48,560all just starve until I am hungry enough to find something else to eat but what would be something56701:01:48,560 --> 01:01:56,000that you hope for for the general collective energy in our future when it comes to ADHD diagnosis56801:01:56,000 --> 01:02:07,200massage in the fall of the above I think that there's plenty of space for everybody56901:02:07,200 --> 01:02:14,720mm-hmm I don't I hope that whoever's listening doesn't feel like if they don't have a label for what57001:02:14,720 --> 01:02:20,640they're feeling that that doesn't matter so that's what I'd like to put out to the world I love that57101:02:21,200 --> 01:02:28,400I think finding the PlayStation is going to come from my lord and savior currently Taylor Swift57201:02:28,400 --> 01:02:32,400and I'm just hoping that all you really made me nervous with that lord57301:02:32,400 --> 01:02:37,520no it's usually cash a lady Gaga or Taylor Swift57401:02:37,520 --> 01:02:41,040or Tony Collette oh57501:02:41,040 --> 01:02:45,360no Jesus Bible bells I don't know57601:02:46,880 --> 01:02:53,760uh-uh Jesus Christ and I had a breakup right before I went right when I got into college and I was like57701:02:53,760 --> 01:03:01,840it just doesn't make sense for me my lord and savior Taylor Swift has told us time and time again57801:03:01,840 --> 01:03:07,040that for everyone who thinks account not accountability oh my god accommodations and57901:03:07,040 --> 01:03:13,200accommodating people meeting people where they're at and being empathetic as fuck and just allowing58001:03:13,200 --> 01:03:19,680people to actually thrive with whatever's going on in their body is super hard and will steal joy58101:03:19,680 --> 01:03:26,080from them or time or money or whatever Taylor Swift says you need to calm down you're being too loud58201:03:26,080 --> 01:03:34,080why be mad when you could be glad and that's my manifestation I hope that people calm down58301:03:34,080 --> 01:03:38,640I hope they stop being too loud and I hope they get glad58401:03:40,880 --> 01:03:47,200and not happy and not happy and I hope that everyone if you didn't get errors tickets you at least got58501:03:47,200 --> 01:03:56,240to watch it on TikTok that's a solid manifestation yeah okay tell everyone where they can find58601:03:56,240 --> 01:04:02,320the bar is ankle high so we are on all podcast platforms you can just search our name58701:04:02,320 --> 01:04:07,680the bar is ankle high we're also on youtube with you the subtitles um it's just a static image58801:04:07,680 --> 01:04:14,400we don't do like a video podcast or anything but um you have that available if you need that I don't58901:04:14,400 --> 01:04:22,400go through and like edit the subtitles it's just what I do so like it may not be it'll be perfect59001:04:22,400 --> 01:04:31,600but it's close enough I guess um anyway uh so we're all on all podcasting platforms and our we are59101:04:31,600 --> 01:04:40,720most active on instagram and our handle is at the bar is ankle high or you can go to um bit.ly/incohighmerch59201:04:40,720 --> 01:04:46,000if you want to check out our merch which would link you back to our website or just go to the bar is59301:04:46,000 --> 01:04:54,800anklehigh.com which has all of that information and our bios um all that stuff and listen links59401:04:54,800 --> 01:05:00,320most importantly if you're struggling to find us but I love our Instagram I run the Instagram59501:05:01,360 --> 01:05:06,000I'm super active on it I love getting messages from people occasionally I'll fight with some people59601:05:06,000 --> 01:05:10,720on other posts who are claiming to cure different hormonal conditions or59701:05:10,720 --> 01:05:14,720I think that essential oils can cure disease. Yeah um59801:05:14,720 --> 01:05:21,200they need to know that was the episode as we're as we're recording this the episode that released59901:05:21,200 --> 01:05:27,600this week was about our part one on essential oils and part two we'll talk about essential oils60001:05:27,600 --> 01:05:35,600and ADHD and uh all that bullshit I'd love to have some lavender knowing that it's not doing60101:05:35,600 --> 01:05:40,400anything for me but like what if I just do it not true it actually does do stuff for you with60201:05:40,400 --> 01:05:46,080you smell it so it it interacts with your all factory nerves and triggers a reaction in your60301:05:46,080 --> 01:05:52,800mid-dala which is the motion center of your brain but don't eat them no don't eat them don't eat them60401:05:53,440 --> 01:05:59,520also be here's my PSA like I'm Bob Barker also be careful if you have essential oils in your house60501:05:59,520 --> 01:06:06,000and you have pets because they're very toxic to pets even sometimes the vapor yes yeah yeah so60601:06:06,000 --> 01:06:14,560definitely check with that and um you know MLMs are dangerous anyway right but we do have so by the60701:06:14,560 --> 01:06:20,960time this comes out we'll have had two episodes 36 and 37 on essential oils so if you are curious60801:06:20,960 --> 01:06:26,720about essential oils or worried you can go listen to those and um we have some solid tips from like60901:06:26,720 --> 01:06:31,440Johns Hopkins and like reputable superstitions how to find an aroma therapist who isn't gonna like point61001:06:31,440 --> 01:06:39,440in you and then I think that this episode is coming out after Ellen's episode so I'll make this61101:06:39,440 --> 01:06:45,040plug again if you're a person listening to the podcast and you have ended a toxic relationship or61201:06:45,040 --> 01:06:51,360ended a relationship that was just boring and not serving you a la Taylor Swift and that Joe dude61301:06:51,360 --> 01:06:58,320in Europe or you told off your boss or some other vassadiness or you were in a position where you61401:06:58,320 --> 01:07:02,960stood up for yourself and then looked around and you realized that no one was there to back you up61501:07:02,960 --> 01:07:09,200please do you own me because this episode is coming out August 3rd that means it's been two months61601:07:09,200 --> 01:07:14,240since I've been at the airstomster but I bet you guys still have friendship bracelets and I'll send you61701:07:14,240 --> 01:07:19,120one remember teller readers you don't have to smile through anything you're tolerating including endless61801:07:19,120 --> 01:07:26,400meetings with a boss who's so insecure with themselves and their lives work but they want to know61901:07:26,400 --> 01:07:31,200minute by minute what the fuck you're doing while you're working at home and they definitely don't62001:07:31,200 --> 01:07:39,040want to hear thriving or relaxing. Files are pretty light.62101:07:39,120 --> 01:07:41,120oh62201:07:41,120 --> 01:07:43,120oh62301:07:44,080 --> 01:07:45,120oh62401:07:45,120 --> 01:07:47,120oh62501:07:47,120 --> 01:07:49,120oh62601:07:49,120 --> 01:07:52,960[Music]